Questions and Answers

Putting the Pieces of the Puzzle Together…

Here are some of the most FAQ’s I have received so far!  Please feel free to send me your questions. And remember, there are no silly, stupid or unimportant questions. Someone else is probably wondering the same thing you are! I will post the question and answer and you will remain anonymous, of course!


Dear Mavis…

Q: I was taught that oral sex was dirty and a sin, but my husband was taught that it was a natural part of lovemaking. Is there a scripture in the bible that calls it a sin?

A: There is no scripture in the bible that says “thou shalt not have oral sex”, or that oral sex is dirty or a sin, so you can relax. However, that doesn’t make it right or wrong. Everything about your sex life is not going to be contained in the bible. That’s where research by Christian authors comes in, to fill in the blanks or gaps.

Clifford and Joyce Penner, authors of The Gift of Sex share two scriptures that contain veiled references to oral sex, I) Song of Solomon 2:3, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Fruit refers to male genitals.

And 2) Song of Solomon 4:16, “Awake O north wind and come thou south. Blow upon my garden that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden and eat his pleasant fruits. Garden refers to a woman’s genitals.

In addition, Dr. and Mrs. Ed Wheat, authors of Intended for Pleasure, share that oral sex is a matter that concerns only the husband and wife involved and Hebrews 13:4, is “the marriage bed is undefiled.” So, if it feels right and both partners enjoy it, do it!

Q: What do you do when the female partner has no sexual desire i.e., no vaginal stimulation, and the male partner suffers from ED (erectile dysfunction)?

A: Little to no sexual desire is one of the most common sexual concerns in women and with couples. Both should first see a medical doctor and rule out any serious medical condition.

After that, there are a number of reasons for this issue in women: Aging, hormones, time of the month, medications, relationship problems, trust issues, and power dynamics, just to name a few. One reason in particular that’s extremely common is a lack of sexual knowledge. Get educated on female anatomy and your sexual response cycle.

ED or erectile dysfunction is when there isn’t enough blood flow to the penis to raise or maintain an erection, long enough for sustained penetration.

The majority of cases are caused by a combination of sexual misinformation, relationship problems, other life stresses, aging, cardiovascular problems, depression, and drug side effects. All of these issues restrict blood flow to the penis. Take a long hard look at your life and see if any of these issues are going on, then address them.

Both of these issues require you to have a conversation with each other or you can talk to a professional. I offer a 20-minute complimentary consultation. Click on the email address below to schedule your appointment today. Askmavis@mavismcknight.com.

Q: Is it ok to tell your husband or wife no to sex at any time? Yes and no.

A: In the book, Intimate Issues, the authors answer this question in this way: When we marry, we actually participate in a gift exchange. The husband and wife both give their bodies to each other as gifts and give up the authority over their own body (1 Corinthians 7: 4).

They go on to say, with this gift comes a privileged responsibility to allow the other to enjoy the gift. Also, if we refuse to make love for any reason other than prayer (1 Corinthians 7: 3), we open our marriage up to satanic temptation (1 Corinthians 7: 5). That, we absolutely don’t want to do.

This is the no.

Now for the yes.

We all know that the reality is, you are NOT going to want to have sex every time your partner asks you. You may be dealing with stress, disappointment, overwhelm, anger, fatigue, and a host of other real-life issues. And sex is not the last thing on your mind, but nowhere on the radar! This is where understanding and collaboration comes in.

If the wife is simply too tired for sex, she can say something like, “I’m literally too tired to respond, and I want to be able to enjoy you, Big Daddy, (or whatever your pet name is). Can we take a rain check until tomorrow, or 2 days or three days or a week from now? I’m not saying no forever, just for tonight.

And, if you do a rain check, please keep your word. If you don’t that will never work again!

If it’s the husband he can give his wife reassurances with compliments, tell her he loves her, assure her that he is not rejecting her, he’s just too tired, or stressed, or overwhelmed, and ask for a rain check. And keep your word.

Let’s be real tho. Let’s tell the truth and shame the evil one.

A lot of women don’t like sex because they are not getting anything out of it and see it as a massive waste of time. If this is the case you both have to sit down and have an adult, mature conversation. Many times, as I mentioned above, it’s lack of sexual knowledge or a lack of sex skills. And that is an easy fix. You just have to be open and willing to learn and practice.

Finally, If either of you senses your spouse has a deep need, start praying and ask God to change your attitude and your heart. It really works.

Q: How do you keep spice in a marriage or relationship past the honey moon, i.e., 10 years?

Here are 3 Tips

  1. Mutual Masturbation with a twist. Use each other’s body parts, i.e. wife’s butt, etc., husband’s arm, thigh/leg, pelvic bone. Get to grinding, get turned on, and get some satisfaction! This takes openness, sexual confidence, and comfort with experiencing different kinds of pleasure.
  2. Try a new position-Not necessarily the pretzel twisty one (only if you want to). If you’re used to doing the missionary position with the husband on top, change it up and the wife can get on top, reverse cowgirl style.This position puts her in charge of how deep she wants to be penetrated or not, how much she wants to move and groove, and frees her hands to roam over her own body. It also frees her man’s hands so he’s able to stimulate her sweet spot and help bring her to orgasm.
  3. Try slowing it down. Hot and heavy sex is great but most women love when you start slow and build up her arousal and desire. Most couple’s focus on a goal of orgasm, and that’s ok, but try instead to focus on the pleasure, the sensations, how it feels, and just enjoy that as the entire experience.
  4. Rinse and Repeat.

Q: Is self-stimulation OK? Short answer – Yes. The longer answer yaaaasssss!

People love to cite the story in the bible of Onan, where he refused to impregnate his brother’s wife to carry on the family line, and “spilled his seed on the ground” or “pulled out”. Then was struck dead by God.

This story was about disobedience to God, not self-stimulation.

There is no scripture that says, “Thou shalt not stimulate thyself, lest thou will die and go to hell.” God created us with sexual needs, urges, ability to experience immense sexual pleasure, and he created every part of your body. However, if you feel it’s not ok, ask God. He’ll certainly let you know.

Q: I find it difficult to initiate sex since I’ve never had to. How do I let my hubby know I really desire him sexually?

A: Many women struggle in this area of their sex lives. The short answer is to learn to initiate. The more in-depth answer is this. First, try hard to lose the embarrassment. I know that’s easier said than done. But you must do it. If not, you will never take the first step.

It’s similar to learning to speak up for your needs. Think back to when you first spoke up and shared what you wanted sexually. That took courage but you did it. Use that same courage to initiate sex.

You can also think about the ways your husband initiates sex with you and see what feels right. Get prepared in whatever way you do. Start with a massage. Then soft kisses. Get into it. and please don’t overthink it. Just relax, and go for it.

Q: My husband and I love using sex toys to get us excited before sex. Is this wrong? What does the Bible say about it?

A: Since sex toys weren’t around, as far as we know, when the bible was written, it doesn’t contain any specific language about the use of toys. However, 1 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me.” According to Intimate Issues (1999), you can ask yourself these three questions to determine if something is permissible: 1) Is it prohibited in scripture? 2) Is it beneficial? And 3) Does it involve anyone else.

If the answers are no, it is permitted. You can also look at the use of toys like you would eye glasses: they help to enhance your sight, just as sex toys can help enhance your sex life.

Q: Is sexual intercourse the only and right way for a woman to have an orgasm?

A: Absolutely not. As an advocate for women’s sexuality and pleasure, I have done a lot of research, read a lot of books, and read a bunch of articles, and the information is consistent. In addition, a recent survey in Ebony Magazine found that a whopping 75% of women have never been able to have an orgasm through intercourse alone.

So, if this is your situation you are in good company, and more importantly, there is nothing wrong with you. If you want more information on ways you can experience orgasm, contact me at askmavis@mavismcknight.com for a private conversation.

Question of the month: Please post your answers on the contact page in the comments section.

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